Gifts

I don't understand how taking a class, which is supposed to help determine what your spiritual gifts are and how you are going to use them, has made me more confused than helpful. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the class and conducted a lot of research as a result of the class, however, I don't feel I have truly "unleashed my niche". It's one thing to understand one's identity and personality, it is entirely another thing to put it into perspective and use it for the "greater good".

I believe part of my confusion is that I keep second guessing myself. I like to evaluate things until I fully understand them. The problem with determining spiritual gifts is you are not supposed to second guess. You are suposed to use your gut instinct rather than your thoughts. This is where I am bad for taking tests such as these. The solution the module has for situations like this is to have someone else take the test as though they are you. This is good, but I feel, has its weeknesses too.

When I take a test on personality, you really have to focus on who you actually are, and not on who you want to be. This can be done, but subconsciously one is natually inclined to persieve themselves to be who they want to be anyway. Their minds are going to give examples to support their thoughts and have the ability to give direct references who will verify their thoughts. The same can be said for people who are going to take the test for you. They are going to answer, not necessarily intentionally, who they think and percieve you are to them. At this point who is right?

I believe everyone has multiple identies. To my children I am their nurturer, caregiver, organizer, provider, supporter, boundry enforcer, maid, cook, and driver. These don't even come close to all the characteristics it takes to be their mom. Am I these characteristics to everyone? No. Do I enjoy every characteristic it takes to be their mom? Maybe not all the time, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

When I am serving in a ministry, I am several different characteristics. I am not these characteristics all the time, but for that time, I am. I am a woman trying to serve God in a different way other than being a mom or a wife. This is why it is hard for other people to evaluate my personality. There is no one physical person who is a witness to all of my identities. My husband is not always there to witness me serving in certain ministries, he knows my tendencies, but is not always there. The same goes for friends of mine, they are not their at night when Chad and I are parenting our children before bed. And all of this Ok, but hopefully one can see how confused I am when I am trying to determine what my spiritual gifts are.

To try and help determine what my real gifts are I selected 2 people to help take the tests for me. My husband, of course, and my spiritual buddy who knows my tendencies as well. With the three of us I know I can get a better result, however, it is difficult still because they have the subconsious ability to respond to how they want me to be, not how I actually am. This is where I wish the Holy Spirit, who knows and understands the complete me, could just tell me where to go and what to do.

My prayer is for Him to just use me as a tool and use me to my full potential. I know He will open and close doors for me. I am more than willing to listen, especially now. I just hope my bias does not interfere with, what I perceive, God wants me to do with my gifts.

"Use me, oh God!
See my strengths and embrace them,
see my weaknesses as experience,
see my body as a tool for you,
see my mind and influence it,
I am yours.
Use me, Oh God!